i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
