i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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