i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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