All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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