I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Couch. On fire.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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