Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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