I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
