i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We have so much sex to catch up on
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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