Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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