where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
