I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
