i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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