i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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