I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
