Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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