Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I stole a fireplace last night.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
