Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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