remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
