He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
