i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize