first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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