Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
