You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize