if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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