WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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