you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
