I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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