she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
