Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
