Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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