You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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