I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
