For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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