she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Randomize
