His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
