I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
