Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
