I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Randomize
