She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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