So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
