Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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