My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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