I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
