um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
