i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
