Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
