you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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