Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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