If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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