while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I AM VODKA MAN
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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