why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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