My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
