the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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