Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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