I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize