these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
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