hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
