when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
