There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
